1st Month of My 20

As I ended the chapter of my 19, I see an empty page; that empty page is currently my 20. I don’t want to waste my time like what I did with my 19, I want to run towards the thunderstorm, and that’s what I actually did once 2022 started.

In my 19 I realised how lost and how much the pandemic and self isolation brought havoc into my mental state. In the first weeks of being 20, I got to hang out with my friends again, and it was honestly the best time I’ve had in a while and I felt so free and thankful that I have such good people in my life, I just have a lot of gratitude towards them because they made me into a more positive and kinder person.

Gratitude. I never expressed gratitude in years, and I never cried tears of joy at night being thankful of the people and things that I have, and I wanted to; now I did, I’m finally thankful of the existence outside of my inner world.

Back when I was 15, I felt such despair because I felt like a side character who had faded into the background, I did not take control of my life, I was simply not a main character in my own life, the spotlight was never on me; then I decided to start running, and I never regretted it, I experienced lots of happiness and sadness with it, but I enjoyed it and I’m glad I ran. Then I slowed down and came back to being a side character because life didn’t feel as exciting and whimsical as back then, and this caused my 19 to feel such despair, but I don’t want to feel that anymore. I’m deciding to run again, I want to experience a lot of things, to learn to finally love someone, to be more spontaneous and not worry about every single detail, and to be more fearless.

Since it’s 2022 and I’m 20 now I want to start focusing on something. The first thing would be my relationship (or rather soon to be relationship) with this guy; this guy has liked me for years and I just started considering my feelings for him and honestly, I’m not really head over heels for him but I think him and I could sustain a very long lasting relationship. He’s an amazing person, he’s caring, supportive in what I do, and always considers how I feel; the fact that he also wants to help me become a better person is a juicy bonus. So yeah, I think I want to be in this relationship with him and work on this with him, I’m new to relationships so idk wtf I’m doing but I want to figure this out with him and just live our life together as partners. Thinking about it now it’s kind of exciting, but in the back of my mind I’m scared in a way since I didn’t fall for him in a typical infatuated way just like what the media sells, oh well let’s just see how this goes, we are aiming to be spontaneous in my 20s. My second would be my mental health and developing it. I have mentioned that my mental health was in a downward spiral, and/or well I started noticing how much inner work I need to do with my self worth issues, so I really wanna change that and feel more comfortable in my own skin without overthinking, asking for validation, and insecure. The last one would be my studies, since I took a gap year of course I have to start focusing on my studies, and honestly stuffing information in my brain is a breath of fresh air and it’s kinda fun not gonna lie.

To end this entry I want to write a memorable moment I had on the first month of my 20:
I and a group of friends finally hanging out in a long time like there wasn’t any covid at all; it was a breath of fresh air but I didn’t feel as jolly due to problems that I don’t need to cover here.
I guess another good memory is me running towards the rain, with an umbrella of course I’m not that dumb to catch a damn cold. I guess that action symbolises me being spontaneous and not worrying about whether if my feet will get wet, my sandals will cause mud in the apartment, and my mom worrying about where I went when I snuck out of the apartment. I just don’t want to have any regrets, I want to see the rainbow after the rain.