Writing again here is quite nostalgic; I’ve gone through a lot these past years ever since I created this online journal. From struggling with my sexuality to having an existential crisis and feeling empty (which I’m going through right now). I’ve grown a lot and started accepting myself bit by bit, yet there are still so many parts I need to acknowledge, love, and help myself.
After March of 2022, I’ve gone back into a spiral and started indulging myself. I never learn. I just felt like the world hates me; I kept worrying about going back to my home country, I’m not pursuing education at the moment, and I can’t get a full-time job to at least help myself and my parents since my parents forbid me to get vaccine (It’s annoying I know) therefore I couldn’t do anything with my life but just stay at home. I could get a part-time but a lot require VISA which I don’t have and a vaccine, but I think there are some that don’t really require those however the problem was I’m too scared to write my CV since I barely have any work experience except the runway modeling job which isn’t really a type of job that could help me in the workforce. That fear kind of made me lazy to not get a picture to attach in my CV so I never really completed my CV leading to me back at home for an entirety of 2 years.
Being at home for years slowly made me go insane, and I still am. When you have no purpose or a goal towards something, your will to keep waking up in the morning starts to dissipate. Once that happens, time/days just become blurry and distorted since your life is leading nowhere, as if it was frozen in place, yet your friends or peers are moving forward in life. They may be struggling but at least they have a goal and a will to keep going. As for me, I’m just a pebble existing in this universe finding purpose in this fast-driven world.
Over the past years, I’ve made an ASMR channel. and it’s going well but I’m not really consistent with it because it is just a hobby of mine so I don’t want to make it feel like work, but also the fact I’m scared to record sometimes when I feel insecure about my skills. I push it off and avoid it for months until I forget about it. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted and I feel a little bit scared still, but I do wanna overcome that to be honest.
Every other hobby is also an on-and-off thing. The only thing consistent is my gaming.
I started over-indulging myself with games yet again these past months and I feel ashamed about it, I guess it’s to mask the shame of how empty my life is, how I do not have a goal whatsoever and the constant worry of moving back home. It’s to cope with how life is for me right now and that lead me to be addicted.
I really want to come up with solutions for myself but I just don’t know how. Maybe the reason that I perhaps can’t find one is that I haven’t tapped into my inner world in a long time because I’ve been stuffing my brain with useless content by over-indulging. I haven’t really sat down and been alone with myself. I should be doing that but addiction haha, I guess just thinking can be exhausting as well when you know that you’re powerless in your current situation. You’re prone to being lazy when you don’t have a goal. I will work on this because I’m running out of time; it’s almost 2023 and I’m almost 21 years old.
I haven’t really taken my goals seriously such as developing my mental and physical health which I feel bad for. It’s just really hard for me. I just miss how it was back then.
I’m going back home in November, just for vacation, but if my dad can’t really find a job we’ll have to extend our stay there. If things come to worse then I’ll be staying there. At this point, I’m okay with it (to a degree), I just want my life to start moving again. I miss experiencing what life has to offer, I want to have a goal again, I want to feel creative, I want to stop over-indulging, and I don’t want to feel like I’m just existing. I want to feel alive.
Peaceful.isolation 