To Myself: Come Back To This When You’re Lost

I am writing this to better understand myself again. It’s been so long since I’ve actually fully immersed myself in my own feelings and inner world and truly understood them so I can help myself. I’ve stopped being in touch with myself for 4 years.

Ever since I lost myself I slowly forgot the reasons for living and how to go about it at this age. To add on I’ve put up walls again and I’m not sure if it’s healthy at all because keeping it all inside feels like poison. I want to change that, which is why I’m writing here in public because I want to open up to strangers even if no one actually sees it.

I’ve picked up advice here and there at the start of the year but I also want to pick up my old beliefs and sentiments to fully better myself since my old sentiments still hold meaning, truth, and timelessness.

To start off, I admit that I am still dependent on my parents because I don’t like getting out of my comfort zone, although it is mostly my parents being overprotective, however, that’s not an excuse since I haven’t proven to them that I can handle myself. Being dependent caused me to learn way less compared to my peers and it made me feel ashamed because I feel like I should know more at my age but I don’t and it’s like I’m way far behind my peers leading me to belittle myself and let the negativity eat me up slowly. My thought process tells me that I’m worthless and that I could never survive in the real world because I’m dumb and know nothing. It’s a problem that I haven’t looked in the face head-on because it’s the truth.

Back then I said to myself that I should get out of my comfort zone at this age because these are the times to fuck up and make mistakes, to take risks, and to get as much opportunity as you can. It’s scary but the reward for it is very satisfying. You may feel like a dumb fuck for not knowing and making mistakes but at least you learned something; that is something I would like to believe in again.

Ever since I lost touch with myself I’ve been pitying and have been feeling sorry for myself for a long time and yet not doing anything about it, but this time I want to change that. I want to stop feeling bad about the way I look because 50 years later I will feel regret that I didn’t enjoy my youthful look so much more than when I had it, so I will not regret what I have right now. I want to stop feeling bad about how I am behind my peers in terms of life. I will take time to figure out my life, who I am, and why I am here, and will definitely reach great lengths when the time is right. I will not compare myself to others anymore. I am a statue that needs time to be built to come out beautifully. I don’t need to have things figured out suddenly, I will take my own steps carefully to carve my own path.

2023 is just starting and I wanna make the most out of it. Good luck to me, if no one has my back then I can provide that for myself.

Indulging In My Inner World

Writing again here is quite nostalgic; I’ve gone through a lot these past years ever since I created this online journal. From struggling with my sexuality to having an existential crisis and feeling empty (which I’m going through right now). I’ve grown a lot and started accepting myself bit by bit, yet there are still so many parts I need to acknowledge, love, and help myself.

After March of 2022, I’ve gone back into a spiral and started indulging myself. I never learn. I just felt like the world hates me; I kept worrying about going back to my home country, I’m not pursuing education at the moment, and I can’t get a full-time job to at least help myself and my parents since my parents forbid me to get vaccine (It’s annoying I know) therefore I couldn’t do anything with my life but just stay at home. I could get a part-time but a lot require VISA which I don’t have and a vaccine, but I think there are some that don’t really require those however the problem was I’m too scared to write my CV since I barely have any work experience except the runway modeling job which isn’t really a type of job that could help me in the workforce. That fear kind of made me lazy to not get a picture to attach in my CV so I never really completed my CV leading to me back at home for an entirety of 2 years.

Being at home for years slowly made me go insane, and I still am. When you have no purpose or a goal towards something, your will to keep waking up in the morning starts to dissipate. Once that happens, time/days just become blurry and distorted since your life is leading nowhere, as if it was frozen in place, yet your friends or peers are moving forward in life. They may be struggling but at least they have a goal and a will to keep going. As for me, I’m just a pebble existing in this universe finding purpose in this fast-driven world.

Over the past years, I’ve made an ASMR channel. and it’s going well but I’m not really consistent with it because it is just a hobby of mine so I don’t want to make it feel like work, but also the fact I’m scared to record sometimes when I feel insecure about my skills. I push it off and avoid it for months until I forget about it. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted and I feel a little bit scared still, but I do wanna overcome that to be honest.

Every other hobby is also an on-and-off thing. The only thing consistent is my gaming.

I started over-indulging myself with games yet again these past months and I feel ashamed about it, I guess it’s to mask the shame of how empty my life is, how I do not have a goal whatsoever and the constant worry of moving back home. It’s to cope with how life is for me right now and that lead me to be addicted.

I really want to come up with solutions for myself but I just don’t know how. Maybe the reason that I perhaps can’t find one is that I haven’t tapped into my inner world in a long time because I’ve been stuffing my brain with useless content by over-indulging. I haven’t really sat down and been alone with myself. I should be doing that but addiction haha, I guess just thinking can be exhausting as well when you know that you’re powerless in your current situation. You’re prone to being lazy when you don’t have a goal. I will work on this because I’m running out of time; it’s almost 2023 and I’m almost 21 years old.

I haven’t really taken my goals seriously such as developing my mental and physical health which I feel bad for. It’s just really hard for me. I just miss how it was back then.

I’m going back home in November, just for vacation, but if my dad can’t really find a job we’ll have to extend our stay there. If things come to worse then I’ll be staying there. At this point, I’m okay with it (to a degree), I just want my life to start moving again. I miss experiencing what life has to offer, I want to have a goal again, I want to feel creative, I want to stop over-indulging, and I don’t want to feel like I’m just existing. I want to feel alive.

Over-Indulgence – Third Month of My 20s

The 3rd month of my 20s was a bit tragic if I’m being honest; I had no aim/goal whatsoever since I felt bored with the things I were doing so I just completely shut down and over-indulged myself in my phone as a distraction, and because I really do have an addiction of tirelessly checking my phone nonstop because I don’t like being bored.

I’m not saying that it was the only thing I did throughout March, I did try looking for jobs (I couldn’t find anything though), and I tried doing some other hobbies that I haven’t done in a while, however, most of the chunk came to me using my phone. It is definitely a problem and I need to learn how to stop using my phone. I tried timing myself when playing games and it lowered my playtime which is good, but if I didn’t play I would do other things with my phone so it’s still useless.

I guess my phone usage has been rampant because I felt helpless in my current situation. I felt useless and I cried many times.

At this point I’m not sure what to do; sometimes I feel like I’m doing things for the sake of doing them because there’s nothing to do and at least I’m doing something different, however, it will make me hate my own hobbies, and I don’t want that. On the other hand, if I don’t do anything I would feel like utter shit and just cry about it.

I’m just confused.

An Unexpected Turn of Events – 2nd Month of Being 20

I don’t really know how to break down what happened throughout January, but there are definitely a lot of things that have changed my goals for this year.

To start off, I mentioned that one of my goals is to be in a relationship with this person and put a lot of time and effort into it, however, it never really came to fruition when I realized that I didn’t see him in that way at all. Yes, he is an amazing person who cares about me a lot, and I would like to be with someone who cares for me like that but unfortunately, it’s not him. I don’t mind being in a relationship with him, in fact, I greenlit it before 2022 came around, but the thing is, I also don’t mind not being in a relationship with him, so that means I don’t really care much as long as it’s convenient for me which felt wrong when I suddenly realised that. I realised that there’s a difference between liking someone and liking how they treat you. Yes, treating someone special can cause feelings to bloom, but sometimes it just doesn’t.
I told him through call because I couldn’t meet him at that time. It went well and it was pretty civilized, but I did cry a bit since I felt horrible, though we did make an agreement that this was what he signed up for so there’s really nothing to feel bad about. We’re still friends in the end.

Another goal that I initially wanted to focus on was to study hard since I was supposed to go back to my university this month, however, my dad lost his job and a lot of complications started again which lead me to push back my academics yet again. I felt like crap but I also know that my whole family is affected by this too so I couldn’t really do anything at this point.
Right at the end of January, my family and I discussed my studies and how it might be best if I just study back in the Philippines instead, and I was okay with it but with only one condition: I go to a specific university that is far away from home. I suggested that I could dorm but my mom completely dismissed it which caused my brother to stand up for me. It was nice of him, but my mom still completely dismissed it; they argued so loud I threw a glass bottle on the ground to make them shut up completely which worked. I then said to my mom I’d rather die than stay and study in a university near home (the universities there are a bit so-so). This caused my mom to be angry and I guess to have a panic attack (?), we helped her and all, and then she went to the bedroom to stay away from us.
My brother asked if I was okay and I just had to bawl right in front of him; all the pent up feelings from my parents not listening to me and them controlling my life suddenly burst open. After I calmed down, my brother went to the bedroom to talk to mom, and once they finished I went to mom to apologize for breaking the glass. Both of us cried basically. She started considering me to take dorms and those words felt nice but a bit scary since I don’t wanna live alone in a country that I don’t even know, but low-key am excited about it. Though I told her that I was still alright with taking another gap year since I’m only 20 and that I can just get a job in the meantime, plus I don’t wanna leave my life here. Anyways we made up and things have settled, thanks to my brother. Sharing feelings is not really a thing in my family so I find it hard to convey them because I feel uncomfortable when doing so.

The start of 2022 was utter crap, but I don’t wanna waste another year doing nothing.

I started a Youtube channel back in November 2021, and I started posting again which caused me to get 15k views and a lot of subs so I’m happy about that. I want to start focusing on this channel now and see it grow because it’s not like I’m doing anything important. Plus it’ll help me with voice acting in a way so that’s good as well therefore, it has become my new goal in 2022.

Another one would be painting. I have left the world of art and creativity for three years, and those three years made me empty and the world felt a bit monotone. I started painting again and it was nice since I’ve never felt so focused and observational in a long time, it felt like I was stuck in my own world and all the things that surrounded me melted like wax. I’m gonna make painting my primary focus as well because I want to do better as an artist.

The last goal I have is to get a job. I want to gain work experience since the only thing I did was be a runway model. I want to experience more and help my family in our situation.

I’ll be keeping track of these goals every month. Let’s hope for the best since I don’t to waste this time of being 20. Like I said, lots have changed in a span of a month.

1st Month of My 20

As I ended the chapter of my 19, I see an empty page; that empty page is currently my 20. I don’t want to waste my time like what I did with my 19, I want to run towards the thunderstorm, and that’s what I actually did once 2022 started.

In my 19 I realised how lost and how much the pandemic and self isolation brought havoc into my mental state. In the first weeks of being 20, I got to hang out with my friends again, and it was honestly the best time I’ve had in a while and I felt so free and thankful that I have such good people in my life, I just have a lot of gratitude towards them because they made me into a more positive and kinder person.

Gratitude. I never expressed gratitude in years, and I never cried tears of joy at night being thankful of the people and things that I have, and I wanted to; now I did, I’m finally thankful of the existence outside of my inner world.

Back when I was 15, I felt such despair because I felt like a side character who had faded into the background, I did not take control of my life, I was simply not a main character in my own life, the spotlight was never on me; then I decided to start running, and I never regretted it, I experienced lots of happiness and sadness with it, but I enjoyed it and I’m glad I ran. Then I slowed down and came back to being a side character because life didn’t feel as exciting and whimsical as back then, and this caused my 19 to feel such despair, but I don’t want to feel that anymore. I’m deciding to run again, I want to experience a lot of things, to learn to finally love someone, to be more spontaneous and not worry about every single detail, and to be more fearless.

Since it’s 2022 and I’m 20 now I want to start focusing on something. The first thing would be my relationship (or rather soon to be relationship) with this guy; this guy has liked me for years and I just started considering my feelings for him and honestly, I’m not really head over heels for him but I think him and I could sustain a very long lasting relationship. He’s an amazing person, he’s caring, supportive in what I do, and always considers how I feel; the fact that he also wants to help me become a better person is a juicy bonus. So yeah, I think I want to be in this relationship with him and work on this with him, I’m new to relationships so idk wtf I’m doing but I want to figure this out with him and just live our life together as partners. Thinking about it now it’s kind of exciting, but in the back of my mind I’m scared in a way since I didn’t fall for him in a typical infatuated way just like what the media sells, oh well let’s just see how this goes, we are aiming to be spontaneous in my 20s. My second would be my mental health and developing it. I have mentioned that my mental health was in a downward spiral, and/or well I started noticing how much inner work I need to do with my self worth issues, so I really wanna change that and feel more comfortable in my own skin without overthinking, asking for validation, and insecure. The last one would be my studies, since I took a gap year of course I have to start focusing on my studies, and honestly stuffing information in my brain is a breath of fresh air and it’s kinda fun not gonna lie.

To end this entry I want to write a memorable moment I had on the first month of my 20:
I and a group of friends finally hanging out in a long time like there wasn’t any covid at all; it was a breath of fresh air but I didn’t feel as jolly due to problems that I don’t need to cover here.
I guess another good memory is me running towards the rain, with an umbrella of course I’m not that dumb to catch a damn cold. I guess that action symbolises me being spontaneous and not worrying about whether if my feet will get wet, my sandals will cause mud in the apartment, and my mom worrying about where I went when I snuck out of the apartment. I just don’t want to have any regrets, I want to see the rainbow after the rain.

A Message In A Bottle: To My 25 (Don’t open until you’re 25)

Hello there Ryan,

How are you doing these days? Has any wish been fulfilled already in over a span of 5 years? If so, then I’m happy for you, but if not, then that’s alright, we’re still only 25 anyways; we still have time to burn our life until it turns into embers. I hope that we a live a life that’s not regretful.

Before bombarding you with questions which I already did, I’d like to talk to you how I’ve been so we can look at your past which is still currently my present.
If i’m being honest with you it’s been sort of tough these past years. One is mainly due to covid (did covid end on your side? I hope it did) which meant I couldnt make great memories with my friends, as well as not being able to continue my education causing me to feel even more lost and stagnant. The other one is I guess being at peace with my current surroundings, like being grateful towards everything and feeling like I have so many opportunities and paths I can walk on, and the power I have to help people. I hope this type of feeling comes back; or maybe it’s as easy as counting the things you have.

I’m currently just staying at home doing axie which is making me struggle a bit (hope you have a good job at the moment) but it’s alright, waiting for the money to buy a gaming laptop. Staying at home for more than 2 years is kind of taking a toll on me, but it’s not like I can do anything about it, let’s just hope I can go back to university once again this year I hope. By the way, are you still pursuing that psychology degree or not? Whichever path you chose, I hope you’re happy. I’ve been taking up singing since I really wanna do something that involves music, I just feel that I have a special connection with music; let’s hope you’re singing improved by the time you’re 25. I also might try dancing again because I need to take up a hobby that contains physical activity, let’s hope I pull through with it. Also I’m writing this while listening to Finding Paradise OST

Overall, I’m doing alright, I’m just lost but I’m still alive so there’s still hope; let’s keep living alright? Let’s keep living until the day we can say “I’ve lived a fulfilling life.” Ryan, you may or not be struggling right now, but I just want you to know that whatever obstacle you’re facing right now, we’ll pull through this, you’ve survived this long so there’s no backing down now, we’re not leaving without putting up a fight. Just know that you are loved, look at the people around you who cares for you. If things are going well on your end then I hope we are able to sustain that tranquility and happiness. 5 years later after 25, things wil change again and I hope you adapt through the storm, and once that storm passes, our skies will even be brighter. Let’s become brighter together as days pass by. Let’s reach for the beautiful horizon and achieve our wishes. Let’s cherish the ones we have, the ones we lost, and the people we have. Lastly, let’s live a life with no regrets.

From my 19 year old self,
I will always root for you

The Warmth of Loneliness

Being alone, has been a fear of mine for a long time; I want to be with people who I care about, people who love me regardless of my flaws, I just don’t want to be left alone it feels scary and empty; but at the same time I have an addiction of being alone by myself and feeling empty, it feels nice. The feeling of being lonely, cold, and the numbness that goes with it feels comforting to me, it’s familiar, not foreign; not overwhelming. It feels like a warm embrace by the darkness that I’ve carried for most of my life; I’ve been used to the feeling for such a long time that I started to like the toxins that it gives me, it’s like a drug, a drug that I think I deserve. I imagine this embodiment of loneliness/darkness to be a mother figure; when everything feels like crashing down or my emotions overwhelm me I rush back to the darkness to comfort me because it’s the only one that has comforted me ever since I was young. This mother figure that I’m imagining, I don’t want to let go of it; she’s the only one who numbed and eased the pain even though her touches were destroying me; maybe that the reason why I’ve never gone all the way with relationships is that I love this feeling of loneliness and I don’t want these overwhelming feelings they’re giving me. It’s much easier being in this darkness than what other people have to offer me, an offer that I’m scared to take. In the end, I still have self-destructive habits.

The First Chapter of Nineteen

Once the clock had hit 12, people wished and sung me a happy birthday, they gave me a cake so I could make a wish, and gave me speeches and letters to show how much they adore me; I’m very thankful for the people who have done this yesterday, I truly am, but why did I leave tears in the shower late at night? Why is there a pierced and hollow hole somewhere on my body? waiting to be filled and satisfied, and this insatiable hunger for something. I long for something even today, yet I am unable to point a finger on what it really is; why am I feeling this? I have some guesses on what it might be but I’m not really sure if they’re the one or if all of them contributed to this feeling

One conclusion is that I’m going through an existential crisis(?). I feel unsure of the things I like to do and the things I would want to do in the future; I watched a video about how it is hard to be authentic and it just opened my mind, do I really like the things I’m doing or do I like the idea of the hobbies I’m implementing in my life? Based on my observation, I don’t find some of my hobbies that fun and does not fill me with ecstacy, or maybe because they require skill and I just give up too easily? I am unsure. Do I keep continuing these hobbies or not? So many questions about myself, I just want to find out who tthis person is.

Second conclusion is well, my birthday wasn’t good; it didn’t feel special, not that it ever felt special to begin with. My birthdays were always dull (last year was better than this year though), they were just like ordinary days; people would wish me, and I would get a cake and that’s it, no gifts or anything. Not that I’m complaining or anything, I’m okay with no gifts and I’m grateful for the messages people have given me, I really do, but I guess it just feels sad that I only gotten wishes and a cake and nothing else (thanks for the cake mom). Gifts are not required, I need some quality time with the people who wished me. I want to spend time with my friends, sadly they were busy I think (or maybe I was busy playing games?), plus my old friends never really wished me or talked to me; I guess we’re not that close anymore huh? I don’t blame them though. I just long to spend time with someone who makes me happy, and that’s my friends. Regarding my parents, yes I love them but they were never really a source of happiness for me, only a source of protection.

The best gift that I’ve ever gotten were letters and flowers. When I was in the hospital I received those it made me warm because all my friends made time for making this and going to the hospital to give me this; it just makes me happy, plus I’ve never gotten flowers as gifts before, hopefully I receive flowers again.

In conclusion I either want to be found, or I feel lonely, or both. Not sure. Thanks to the people that wished me though.

Sparkle

1 month ago, my friend asked me a question while we were in his car; he asked why we should help people when we’re not even close to them, he’s confused why would people make that decision and that he found it dumb. A friend who we were with earlier that day also said that she loves helping people, and he was confused about it but he said nothing. This girl and I had one dream, to pursue psychology, and to help people.

I told some things to prove my point, but being me, my whole message didn’t come across because that was a question I should really think about and analyse; plus my social and debate kills are not entirely the best, so I gave an answer that does not represent how I truly feel.

I named this journal selfless and isolated for some reason
1.) I strive to be selfless, a person who always gives the warmth and necessities to people
2.) I love isolating myself from others, away from the noise and the conflicts this world gives

The second one has already been achieved because I’ve always been alone, or rather lonely. I would always be that person who is not interacting with anyone in a room filled with noisy people, and if I do I would feel uncomfortable. However, as time went by, I shaped my character more; my environment kept changing so I had to adapt, I met people but I would lose them later on, but when you lose someone, there’s more space for people who will find you, and I found them. I found the people who would make me feel comfortable if we were in a noisy room filled with people; and those who left, they came back to me. I guess the saying “If you love them, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” is right.

The lonely kid back then who coloured his life in grey tones, has now coloured his life with an array of beautiful colours; that kid realised that he doesn’t need to be alone, that he’s a part of a family that would always bbe there for him, and that he is always loved. With that realisation, my insipid life became colourful like fireworks in the night sky, thus when I’m alone, I don’t feel lonely anymore, I just feel at peace because I know that there are people out there who cares for me.

As for the first part, being selfless is the thing I still strive for. In some way I was selfless, I always give myself the short end of the stick; I hated saying no to people because I don’t want to inconvenience them or it would make me a bad person. That type of selflessness is unhealthy, and I was taken advantaged of multiple times; fortunately, I got rid of that habit once I saw my self-worth. Sometimes it’s okay to say no. Other than that type of selflessness, I can say that I am a bit selfish at times, and sometimes I can be a bit emotionless and can’t feel empathy, is it because of my pride? my image? what is it? Where do you draw the line where it’s okay to be selfish? I don’t know.

What I know is the loneliness and the torment I felt back then, it was painful and I would never want someone to go through that rough path. I say it like I have such big scars that I keep when I really don’t, but I’ve tasted the awfulness of feeling like no one cares, that I don’t belong, and that there’s no such meaning to the life we’re living in right now. I only took a sip of that feeling, so I can’t imagine how people drink from that misery; a misery that some of my friends drink. It pains me to see people who are close to me suffer and feel like they’re a waste of space when that’s not true. Maybe they want to be saved, maybe they don’t, but I would always want to be there for people who are in pain, to be there for people whose minds are like a storm, knocking and breaking their hopes, dreams, and happiness. I want to be that type of selfless person who guides them.

The world we’re living in right now is full of hate, discord, and greed; the world is just a dark place. But that doesn’t mean that there is no light in this world; there’s a light out there that some people can’t see and I want to show them the beauty of it, the beauty that there’s more to life than the pain they’re going through right now; I want to show them that they can shine bright as well, like fireworks in the sky.

That dream is still a long way to go, plus I still get shy at times. Anyways this is the answer that I truly want to convey to my friend, I doubt he’ll find this though, but that’s okay. I watched too much Fruits Basket which is why I’m writing this.

For those who are reading this right now, just know that there are people who love you, if you feel that there’s no one, look carefully. If there really is no one, find the right people who will accept and cherish you as you are.

Going Down The Rabbit Hole

I was watching this YouTube video about 90s Japan and their fashion looked so amazing, so I went to Pinterest to get some inspiration, then I saw a vintage photo of two men kissing; perhaps two men kissing during or after the World War 2, and it was so precious. I started researching more about homosexual couples before the 2000s and it just fascinated me; people just like me, existed before I was born. I decided to have a collection of these precious photos.

Now, of course there were non straight people that existed before me I’m not stupid, but I never really seen any pictures or evidence that truly solidified it, that they really existed. Seeing these pictures feels so nostalgic; they’re like fond memories that I’ve never even experienced. I never really thought of what the lives of these homosexual people were like back then when being non straight was tough; how much they struggled, how much they suffered due to discrimination, how they were told to feel ashamed of themselves, and yet I see pictures of a 50s gay couples kissing. They still persisted because of love; In this hateful world filled with violence, they still chose to love each other even when everyone has condemned them. Now that is beautiful.

These pictures caused me to be motivated to write a story about two men falling in love during the WW2, but since I’m me I doubt that I would even finish th story so I just wrote a short prose:

When the world was filled with rage and turmoil,
where the corpses of their dead comrades lay on the red soil;
hidden away from the enemies sight,
they wait for them to disappear,
until there is nothing left to hear.
Two men kept silent while their hands are intertwined,
keeping each other company from this world’s insanity.
They stayed at the same position, sleeping under the stars with their dead comrades just metres away; perhaps their fate will be the same as theirs,
just corpses in display,
and if it is, he wishes to see the boy wrapping his hand around his in the afterlife,
where they can love each other eternally without the eyes of those who don’t accept them.

After writing this and being fascinated about the olden times, I decided to indulge myself into old music. 50s – 90s music is amazing. They were definitely my style; I literally created a playlist revolving around this, and I currently have 80 songs in it. The music back then is just golden.

After that I indulged myself in history; now you see, I’m one of the worst in history class, and the fact that my school taught us crap in history so I barely retained any information about history except for the Industrial Revolution. Specifically, I found the history of gay people, how we rised up from the ashes, until our voices become heard. I should definitely do more research about it since Pride month is coming soon so I get to know our history. Then I saw that James Dean is gay.

Reading that made me baffled, I immediately started researcing about James Dean and started watching one of his shows; Rebel Without A Cause. Let me tell you, I cried about James Dean twice yesterday. Everyone thought that he had that loneliness, emptiness, and lost in his eyes. I really don’t know his struggles, but what I know is that he struggled about coming to terms with his sexual orientation and it hits home because I know how that really felt. When I’m older and I get my own house, I’ll definitely put a James Dean poster; what can I say, although he didn’t really give much representation about us lgbt since the 50s were a tough time, he is basically a legendary actor in Hollywood that people still look up to and praise, he’s one of the biggest gay icons and I’m proud of him. It feels like that gays are not only just side characters; usually, famous movies or books or any type of media, there is either a gay character that is a side character or none at all. This man basically showed that yes, gay people can be main characters in their own lives too and I’m very honoured. May he rest in peace and thank you for carving us a path James Dean. I’ll watch East of Eden later perhaps.