An Unexpected Turn of Events – 2nd Month of Being 20

I don’t really know how to break down what happened throughout January, but there are definitely a lot of things that have changed my goals for this year.

To start off, I mentioned that one of my goals is to be in a relationship with this person and put a lot of time and effort into it, however, it never really came to fruition when I realized that I didn’t see him in that way at all. Yes, he is an amazing person who cares about me a lot, and I would like to be with someone who cares for me like that but unfortunately, it’s not him. I don’t mind being in a relationship with him, in fact, I greenlit it before 2022 came around, but the thing is, I also don’t mind not being in a relationship with him, so that means I don’t really care much as long as it’s convenient for me which felt wrong when I suddenly realised that. I realised that there’s a difference between liking someone and liking how they treat you. Yes, treating someone special can cause feelings to bloom, but sometimes it just doesn’t.
I told him through call because I couldn’t meet him at that time. It went well and it was pretty civilized, but I did cry a bit since I felt horrible, though we did make an agreement that this was what he signed up for so there’s really nothing to feel bad about. We’re still friends in the end.

Another goal that I initially wanted to focus on was to study hard since I was supposed to go back to my university this month, however, my dad lost his job and a lot of complications started again which lead me to push back my academics yet again. I felt like crap but I also know that my whole family is affected by this too so I couldn’t really do anything at this point.
Right at the end of January, my family and I discussed my studies and how it might be best if I just study back in the Philippines instead, and I was okay with it but with only one condition: I go to a specific university that is far away from home. I suggested that I could dorm but my mom completely dismissed it which caused my brother to stand up for me. It was nice of him, but my mom still completely dismissed it; they argued so loud I threw a glass bottle on the ground to make them shut up completely which worked. I then said to my mom I’d rather die than stay and study in a university near home (the universities there are a bit so-so). This caused my mom to be angry and I guess to have a panic attack (?), we helped her and all, and then she went to the bedroom to stay away from us.
My brother asked if I was okay and I just had to bawl right in front of him; all the pent up feelings from my parents not listening to me and them controlling my life suddenly burst open. After I calmed down, my brother went to the bedroom to talk to mom, and once they finished I went to mom to apologize for breaking the glass. Both of us cried basically. She started considering me to take dorms and those words felt nice but a bit scary since I don’t wanna live alone in a country that I don’t even know, but low-key am excited about it. Though I told her that I was still alright with taking another gap year since I’m only 20 and that I can just get a job in the meantime, plus I don’t wanna leave my life here. Anyways we made up and things have settled, thanks to my brother. Sharing feelings is not really a thing in my family so I find it hard to convey them because I feel uncomfortable when doing so.

The start of 2022 was utter crap, but I don’t wanna waste another year doing nothing.

I started a Youtube channel back in November 2021, and I started posting again which caused me to get 15k views and a lot of subs so I’m happy about that. I want to start focusing on this channel now and see it grow because it’s not like I’m doing anything important. Plus it’ll help me with voice acting in a way so that’s good as well therefore, it has become my new goal in 2022.

Another one would be painting. I have left the world of art and creativity for three years, and those three years made me empty and the world felt a bit monotone. I started painting again and it was nice since I’ve never felt so focused and observational in a long time, it felt like I was stuck in my own world and all the things that surrounded me melted like wax. I’m gonna make painting my primary focus as well because I want to do better as an artist.

The last goal I have is to get a job. I want to gain work experience since the only thing I did was be a runway model. I want to experience more and help my family in our situation.

I’ll be keeping track of these goals every month. Let’s hope for the best since I don’t to waste this time of being 20. Like I said, lots have changed in a span of a month.

Sparkle

1 month ago, my friend asked me a question while we were in his car; he asked why we should help people when we’re not even close to them, he’s confused why would people make that decision and that he found it dumb. A friend who we were with earlier that day also said that she loves helping people, and he was confused about it but he said nothing. This girl and I had one dream, to pursue psychology, and to help people.

I told some things to prove my point, but being me, my whole message didn’t come across because that was a question I should really think about and analyse; plus my social and debate kills are not entirely the best, so I gave an answer that does not represent how I truly feel.

I named this journal selfless and isolated for some reason
1.) I strive to be selfless, a person who always gives the warmth and necessities to people
2.) I love isolating myself from others, away from the noise and the conflicts this world gives

The second one has already been achieved because I’ve always been alone, or rather lonely. I would always be that person who is not interacting with anyone in a room filled with noisy people, and if I do I would feel uncomfortable. However, as time went by, I shaped my character more; my environment kept changing so I had to adapt, I met people but I would lose them later on, but when you lose someone, there’s more space for people who will find you, and I found them. I found the people who would make me feel comfortable if we were in a noisy room filled with people; and those who left, they came back to me. I guess the saying “If you love them, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” is right.

The lonely kid back then who coloured his life in grey tones, has now coloured his life with an array of beautiful colours; that kid realised that he doesn’t need to be alone, that he’s a part of a family that would always bbe there for him, and that he is always loved. With that realisation, my insipid life became colourful like fireworks in the night sky, thus when I’m alone, I don’t feel lonely anymore, I just feel at peace because I know that there are people out there who cares for me.

As for the first part, being selfless is the thing I still strive for. In some way I was selfless, I always give myself the short end of the stick; I hated saying no to people because I don’t want to inconvenience them or it would make me a bad person. That type of selflessness is unhealthy, and I was taken advantaged of multiple times; fortunately, I got rid of that habit once I saw my self-worth. Sometimes it’s okay to say no. Other than that type of selflessness, I can say that I am a bit selfish at times, and sometimes I can be a bit emotionless and can’t feel empathy, is it because of my pride? my image? what is it? Where do you draw the line where it’s okay to be selfish? I don’t know.

What I know is the loneliness and the torment I felt back then, it was painful and I would never want someone to go through that rough path. I say it like I have such big scars that I keep when I really don’t, but I’ve tasted the awfulness of feeling like no one cares, that I don’t belong, and that there’s no such meaning to the life we’re living in right now. I only took a sip of that feeling, so I can’t imagine how people drink from that misery; a misery that some of my friends drink. It pains me to see people who are close to me suffer and feel like they’re a waste of space when that’s not true. Maybe they want to be saved, maybe they don’t, but I would always want to be there for people who are in pain, to be there for people whose minds are like a storm, knocking and breaking their hopes, dreams, and happiness. I want to be that type of selfless person who guides them.

The world we’re living in right now is full of hate, discord, and greed; the world is just a dark place. But that doesn’t mean that there is no light in this world; there’s a light out there that some people can’t see and I want to show them the beauty of it, the beauty that there’s more to life than the pain they’re going through right now; I want to show them that they can shine bright as well, like fireworks in the sky.

That dream is still a long way to go, plus I still get shy at times. Anyways this is the answer that I truly want to convey to my friend, I doubt he’ll find this though, but that’s okay. I watched too much Fruits Basket which is why I’m writing this.

For those who are reading this right now, just know that there are people who love you, if you feel that there’s no one, look carefully. If there really is no one, find the right people who will accept and cherish you as you are.

Bloom

Do you remember what we did before we bloomed into beautiful flowers? Back then when we were strangers; when we didn’t know of each other’s existence until that very moment we laid our eyes on each other; was it fate that caused us to be in the same path? Or was it pure coincidence? Our small talks soon became long hours of conversation, to inviting each other at our own houses; we shared our insecurities, our sadness, and our laughter. We helped each other grow up; we painted each other’s hearts with beautiful striking colours that made us who we are to this day.

I remember we thought we figured out what love was even though we didn’t know what it feels to love someone in the first place, in the end we broke some hearts and got our hearts broken. We fought and created problems out of nothing and made it a big thing, and we still laugh about it till this day. We laughed at stupid things and did crazy stuff that we probably can’t do anymore, we were enchanted by the temporary bliss; we wished this moment will last.

Do you remember what we did before we bloomed into beautiful flowers? We ran towards our future even though we were lost and still figuring out who we are. We regret but we still move on and cherish the time we spent together. We’re miles apart from each other but somewhere up in the night sky, the vast darkness that engulfs us, there are millions of twinkling lights that represents our innocence, our laughter and the memories we spent together; having fun at the beach together, having our own picnic, being on stage together smiling at how fun it is, and watching the sunset together even though we knew that what we had won’t last forever. Memories that no else will experience but us.

I still remember the memories before we bloomed, before we carved our own paths and said goodbye to each other; I’ll always remember them, and I’ll always remember the faces that brought light into my life. I still wonder when we’ll cross paths again.

Parenting

My parents and I don’t exactly have the best relationship nor the worst, it’s just in between; my parents and I don’t talk, especially me, I only communicate when I have to, and that’s what ticks them off. They would always try to force me to talk; they would say that even when they’re old I wouldn’t talk to them still and soon they would die and I would regret not making them happy by talking to them. That’s what they actually said, and that made me even want to talk to them less because they’re threatening me and that mindset is a red flag. They also mentioned that I would also be in their shoes and how my kids won’t talk to me too. First of all, do they think that their parenting has flaws? do they think their parenting is perfect and right? Because the answer is yes, they have tons of flaws, and no they’re not the perfect parents and I’m not even a parent yet but I know in my gut that how they brought me up caused me to distance myself from them. Let’s first start with how to parenting:

1.) Do NOT threaten your damn children like what you did to me because what you said to me was a type of manipulation
2.) Get your children to open up to you by actually not forcing them to talk to you but actually trying to communicate in a non-judgmental way which my parents don’t do to me. Getting a person to open up to you is not an easy task, so be there for them, support them, and understand why they’ve done things the way they did. Just understanding your kids and the reason for their actions can really strengthen your relationship with them

Recently, I forgot to buy medicine for myself yesterday and my mom scolded me and told me what’s been happening to me lately; literally, ever since my accident she keeps saying this and it’s already been months since my accident happen. Have you ever considered the fact that I forgot to buy it because I was in a rush to do chores, specifically getting the clothes out of the laundry? Every little mistake I do they judge me for it and belittle me like I have a defect on my brain or something; If you think I do just say it to me.

I know I shouldn’t blame this all on them because I do try not to talk and lower my voice at home as much as possible because I like to save my energy and relax before I go out and socialize again, and that’s what you don’t understand about me and why you scold me. You don’t even try to understand me.

P.S. If you want a good relationship with your children, think and reflect of your ways of parenting. I’ll never raise my child the way you did because I’d actually try to understand my kids and not quickly judge them for their actions

Our Existence

Before reading this, I recommend you to listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k699IAc1TPA

I looked up at the sky from my window and all I saw was blue engulfing my eyes; hours ago everything was dark and the moon was still dancing with the stars, days ago there were beautiful clouds floating in the skies, months ago the atmosphere around me was colder unlike now where the sunlight can scorch my delicate skin. Months ago the flowers in the park hasn’t bloomed yet, and years ago, I was still afraid of watching horror movies and loved sleeping in my parents’ bed. Thinking about all this again, that life is always moving, that time does not wait for us, that everything is always changing or dying, our problems do not matter, your argument with your friend does not matter; this world we live in will soon die in a matter of decades, the human race will cease to exist like the light of a candle being extinguished; our fragile bodies will soon turn into dust as mother nature or god unleashes its wrath on us while this world crumbles. Nothing ever lasts, so right now, even if we’ll inevitably perish in this world, at least we’ll all have each other to lean on, that we’ve given each other strength and the ability to love one another, to laugh and to cry together. Perhaps after we all die, another set of beings would exist; life would start again and they wouldn’t know of our existence. The universe will forget us, but we won’t forget each other. So just for today, let’s enjoy our existence that we have left in this universe

May 9, 2019 – Parties & Walls

First of all, Malec in the finale of Shadowhunters DESTROYED ME (watch the series if you haven’t yet, and yes season 1 sucks, but season2 and 3 are really good)

Moving on. So I’m going to my friend’s birthday party on Saturday and another friend of mine is trying to make a compilation video of people including me, giving a speech to the birthday girl. I really love that idea, trust me, but I hate filming myself because I feel very awkward when doing it I have no idea why. I am still going to film myself though. Speaking of parties and hanging out with friends, I feel very glad but also a bit sad spending time with my fantastic friends because maybe after a decade or so, maybe even less, I might not get the chance to hang with these people anymore you know? They might live in different countries in the future and I won’t get to see them again, or they’d be so caught up with the hectic schedules of everyday life that I won’t be able to spend time with them much, maybe even never, and that makes me sad in a way. I can’t help but lament over this right now, however, I’m still glad I still get to cross paths with these people I call my friends and create beautiful memories with them which I will cherish forever.

Other than crying about the future, I would also like to discuss about intimate relationships. I seem to be a hopeless romantic and I’m really excited about being in a relationship with someone I would love, but there’s this fear in the back of my mind that the love I’m feeling at that certain time, it’s temporary, that love is fleeting, and it’s not permanent. I’m scared to fall out of love and break someone’s heart, because what’s the point of going into a relationship when you know you’re going to break up with them in the future? Plus I seem to now have this belief that I should always rely on myself and my own happiness so I won’t need a relationship to give me happiness because a person can be happy without a relationship. I believe in what I just wrote now, but I think I’m also nervous about relying on my future partner to give me happiness and love because I don’t like relying on people? I think I would consider that a wall that needs to be broken down, but I’m not really sure of what I’m writing right now is true to who I am at the moment, I’m just guessing really. I’m not completely sure if it resonates within me. Eitherways I’ve only been in a 2 or 3 month relationship and that was back in grade 7 so I’m pretty inexperienced about being in an actual relationship. But hey, sometimes we just have to take risks, therefore, I’m willing to be in a relationship to find out whether my love for my future partner is fleeting or not, hopefully, it’s not.

Song recommendation:
Time Frame – Fractures

May 2, 2019 – What is Important To You?

Hi, it’s currently 12:00 am. So I was in this serious/deep talk with my friends online and I was listening to this music and it just made me think, ‘What is the most important thing in this life for me?’

Now I don’t know why I thought of this while listening to this song but it just really got me thinking you know? (FYI: I’m listening to it right now). Now what I consider the most important things in my life are my memories. I consider them important because when I take my last breath in this world, the last thing I would do is look back into the past. My memories. I’ll look back to my family who has always been there for me when I’m sick or when I was scared of the dark when I was young, and many other things. I’ll look back to my friends who I consider family. My friends who made me laugh, who I cried with during hard times, who are always there for me when I’ve hit rock bottom, who stayed with me until the end, and the ones who went out of their way to make time for me. And then I’ll look back to myself, the things I’ve achieved in life, the people that I’ve helped in their lives, and how I grew into this person I am right now. I’m happy. I’m crying right now. I cherish everyone so much I just feel so overwhelmed.

To the people who think nothing matters in life because everything is temporary in life, I agree with you, everything is temporary, but the only thing that is not temporary in life are your actions and choices that you make in your life. Everything is temporary in life but what you do in ‘your’ life is permanent. By just giving a small amount of money to a poor family can help their family survive for the night. Or by being kind to a person who is having a shitty day can help them get through the day. Just one simple action can impact a lot of people, either good or bad. We are all connected in some way. Remember that what you do matters.

The song I listened to:

Over You – Ingrid Michaelson

Acceptance

Do you ever think that we aren’t really promised a tomorrow? that at any moment there is a possibility that we can perish at any moment, such as getting into a car accident or dying from an illness and many more situations that would lead us to inevitable death. This is what I’ve recently believed in, and believing in this information it makes me value the present moment a lot more, that I’m still alive and with my friends and family. It makes me appreciate the memories I’ve built with people throughout my life, the good ones that give me a reason to wake up in the morning, the happiness that gives me pure ecstasy, and the sad ones that break me at times which I would learn from the lesson it gave me (which I am thankful for)and move on from it. Therefore if I were to perish at this very moment I would accept the conditions and leave this world peacefully, being grateful for everything and everyone I’ve experienced in this life. However, before I take my last breath, I would like to see the sky once more, to remind myself that life truly is beautiful.

Beginning of 2019

At the end of 2018 I told myself that 2019 would be a good year, heck I even read tarot cards about it and it says that I’m going to be blessed in the future a.k.a in 2019. However at the starting of 2019 something bad already happened to me.

About two weeks ago I went out with a couple of friends, and let’s just say we walked,  a lOt. I was tired when I got back home but I had to go somewhere the day after that, so I did, and I walked a lot again. I got home with a big headache. And the next morning I went to my local supermarket and then BAM I had a seizure and got a massive bump on my head cuz I fell on my head. I was taken to the hospital again, It hasn’t even been a year and I was already back in the hospital. But to summarize what happened I have to take meds every day and I have another checkup on February next month. My parents are currently strict on taking care of me which is annoying because I literally can’t have a relaxing stroll outside without my parents tailing me smh. Plus I can’t even swim because my mom thinks I’m going to get “tired” even though I jog 4 km 4 times a week. I get they’re worried though and I don’t really know how to tackle this situation because my recovery is going well and I’m pretty sure I can hang out with friends again, I can swim again etc. but I’m not fully sure yet, I guess I’ll wait for my next checkup and I might possibly have another angiogram in the future, though it’s not confirmed yet. Other than this mess, I’ve been well, I got to finally learn a piece in my piano, and I’m working on this portrait that I’m excited to finish. Even if the seizure situation is bad I won’t make this year a bad year, I’ll be okay. Let’s just hope that my situation will get better in the later months

The Beginning of Being 17

I’ve always been dreaming of being 17 back in the day, how different I would look and how much I would change, and now here I am.

I pretty much expected myself to be ripped or something however that didn’t work out hahaha I’m still working on that though uwu. And as for how I would look, I am completely fine and happy with how I look, sure I got some pimples here and there right now but I know I’m beautiful and deserve love <3. I’ve learned a lot as a 16-year-old, all the pain, the crying and the happiness I’ve felt throughout the whole year, and yet here I am still alive, I know what I’m capable of and I know I can get through tough situations at certain points of my life and come back stronger and wiser. I am fully ready to receive blessings, to be able to love men without fear, to be able to help people as much as I can and help them when they are struggling, and lessons to learn in the future to become a strong person and be able to help people as much as I can.

Here’s to a year of turning 17.