Yours

Those lovely gazes aren’t for you to gaze back at,
Those hands aren’t yours to hold tightly at night,
Those sweaters he owns aren’t for you to wear when you’re cold,
Those warm embraces aren’t yours to seek for,
And those soft lips aren’t yours to kiss when the fireworks starts singing;
He’s not yours, and he will never be; yet every night you wish he was, so that you can do all those things with him.

He’s not yours, but there is someone who is; someone who seeks to hold you every night, someone who would gaze at you rather than the beautiful sunsets, who would give you their sweaters when you’re cold, who would give you those warm embraces you were seeking for all these years, and those soft lips are yours to kiss before, during, and after the fireworks have sung.

Our Existence

Before reading this, I recommend you to listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k699IAc1TPA

I looked up at the sky from my window and all I saw was blue engulfing my eyes; hours ago everything was dark and the moon was still dancing with the stars, days ago there were beautiful clouds floating in the skies, months ago the atmosphere around me was colder unlike now where the sunlight can scorch my delicate skin. Months ago the flowers in the park hasn’t bloomed yet, and years ago, I was still afraid of watching horror movies and loved sleeping in my parents’ bed. Thinking about all this again, that life is always moving, that time does not wait for us, that everything is always changing or dying, our problems do not matter, your argument with your friend does not matter; this world we live in will soon die in a matter of decades, the human race will cease to exist like the light of a candle being extinguished; our fragile bodies will soon turn into dust as mother nature or god unleashes its wrath on us while this world crumbles. Nothing ever lasts, so right now, even if we’ll inevitably perish in this world, at least we’ll all have each other to lean on, that we’ve given each other strength and the ability to love one another, to laugh and to cry together. Perhaps after we all die, another set of beings would exist; life would start again and they wouldn’t know of our existence. The universe will forget us, but we won’t forget each other. So just for today, let’s enjoy our existence that we have left in this universe

June 22,2019 – Unfamiliar Faces

So there I was in a bedroom filled with 20 other people I don’t even know, and my 2 friends left me to talk to other people so I had to fend for myself. I felt uncomfortable and so out of place. The self-hatred years ago started to seep back in. It feels like people are taking pity on me and I hate it.

Friday, June 21:

It was my friend’s birthday party today and she invited me to celebrate with her, let’s call her Elizabeth. She’s from a different school so of course, a different school, meaning I’m going to see lots of unfamiliar faces since I don’t know anyone from that school except for my other friend (let’s call her Krisha). Was I ready for it? Was I ready to meet 20 people I don’t really know about at the party? The answer is no. You see, I was quite busy trying to polish up and trying to look good because if I’m meeting new people, I have to look decent enough because first impressions matter to me. So I got all readied up, looking a bit formal because that’s what she told me. but plot twist, when I went to the hotel apartment where the party is held, the people were wearing casual outfits wtf. So I was at the party feeling out of place because I really don’t know anyone there except 2 people and the fact that I was wearing semi-formal attire, good start right?

At some point, everyone was told to go to the bedroom to play some games. So there I was, in a bedroom filled with 20 people I don’t even know about, my friends left me that time to talk to other people so I had to fend for myself. So we played some games and I literally didn’t talk to anyone, it felt so awkward until the dare game started? Yeah, I didn’t like the sound of that either because someone’s forehead got drawn on. If someone were to do that to me I would slap them or something I don’t care we just met I don’t want to feel like we’re close or something because we’re not. So basically I was in a room with a lot of people feeling huge discomfort, pity for myself and ready to smack someone if they do something to me because of some dare. What’s my solution? Get the fuck out of that room lol. I went back to the quiet living room where I can finally breathe because I was low-key drowning in that room, the feeling when I was in that room brought back bad memories and self-hatred.

When I was in elementary school, which was actually one of the lowest points of my life, I was a quiet child, a really quiet one to the point that I got a badge for being the quietest person in the class, and my parents scolded me for it. They told me I shouldn’t be quiet because it’s not going to do any good in life, they would scream at me and I would cry, and I felt pity for myself. Being quiet can also harm you since it can attract bullies because the quiet ones always get bullied. I would get spit on my hair, my bag ruined, things stolen, I’d be forced to do homework, etc. I felt so hopeless and worthless like I don’t fit in and that’s where my self-hatred journey began. My parents hated me for being quiet, so when someone calls me quiet I think of it negatively because I was conditioned to think of it as an insult which leads me to pity myself which I don’t like. If someone tells me I’m quiet I would think that they take pity on me because they think I’m lonely leading me to think that they’re looking down on me idk. So I compared my past with this party and it’s quite similar; I don’t belong here. I was ready to get up and leave the hotel room when they were still in the bedroom but I just couldn’t leave like that.

After elementary school, where I’m able to finally hang out with my friends outside of school, I still would feel uncomfortable hanging with them because it felt like uncharted territory, like I felt unsafe being in this environment, being out of the school grounds and whatnot, but as years go by I would feel less and less uncomfortable until I don’t feel any discomfort left, until this party happened, the discomfort came back and my mood went -1000 real quick.

As time went by, they finally got out of the bedroom, we played some games such as cards and Jenga and they were nice enough to let me play, though what kind of ticked me off was I went to this party because Elizabeth was here (keep in mind we’ve known each other for years but we’ve never really seen each other in real life) so I went there for her but we barely talked so I was a bit salty. She didn’t even introduce me to her friends. Her friends just looked at me, ignored me, or talked to me for a bit except for this one person, let’s call her Tina and omg she was so great, we have lots of similarities and I gladly made a friend at this party which made me happy. I was even glad that I got to open up and talk to Elizabeth’s friends for a bit so I’ll take that as an achievement for changing over the past years. I’m okay with going to a party or a hang out where I know most of the people but don’t know some of them, like that feels okay, I have lots of friends I can back up on where I’d feel safe, but if most of the people at the party I don’t know and my friends leave me behind, then good luck to me. This party felt like uncharted territory and I don’t even know if I would ever get used to it, maybe or maybe not, we’ll see.

Being quiet is not bad nor is it good. It can be an advantage to a certain type of situation but it can also be a disadvantage to another type of situation. It’s a grey area.

 

 

May 2, 2019 – What is Important To You?

Hi, it’s currently 12:00 am. So I was in this serious/deep talk with my friends online and I was listening to this music and it just made me think, ‘What is the most important thing in this life for me?’

Now I don’t know why I thought of this while listening to this song but it just really got me thinking you know? (FYI: I’m listening to it right now). Now what I consider the most important things in my life are my memories. I consider them important because when I take my last breath in this world, the last thing I would do is look back into the past. My memories. I’ll look back to my family who has always been there for me when I’m sick or when I was scared of the dark when I was young, and many other things. I’ll look back to my friends who I consider family. My friends who made me laugh, who I cried with during hard times, who are always there for me when I’ve hit rock bottom, who stayed with me until the end, and the ones who went out of their way to make time for me. And then I’ll look back to myself, the things I’ve achieved in life, the people that I’ve helped in their lives, and how I grew into this person I am right now. I’m happy. I’m crying right now. I cherish everyone so much I just feel so overwhelmed.

To the people who think nothing matters in life because everything is temporary in life, I agree with you, everything is temporary, but the only thing that is not temporary in life are your actions and choices that you make in your life. Everything is temporary in life but what you do in ‘your’ life is permanent. By just giving a small amount of money to a poor family can help their family survive for the night. Or by being kind to a person who is having a shitty day can help them get through the day. Just one simple action can impact a lot of people, either good or bad. We are all connected in some way. Remember that what you do matters.

The song I listened to:

Over You – Ingrid Michaelson

April 29, 2019 – Feel

I just finished this series about two boys falling in love. It broke me in the middle, but in the end, it really warmed my heart. So now I’m here listening to a beautiful song and I’m just feeling. Just feeling. Feeling the essence of their love the series had shown. The series really showed that love isn’t all about peach and roses, but it’s also about sacrifices. Sacrificing your time. Sacrificing your sleep. Sacrificing your pride for this person. Sacrifices are needed to keep this bond called love. To love is to sacrifice. What’s love when there’s no sacrifice? Is it considered love at all? Love is to give and not expect anything back. Love is not selfish. It’s selfless. But who am I to tell you what love is? I’m just a teenager. Hopefully, I’ll understand more about love.

To feel. I love dropping all the weight off my shoulders such as my responsibilities and to just feel about things. To listen to music as I undress and expose my soul and emotions. It makes me appreciate these little moments I have with myself. I’m not sure but I love feeling a lot, it just makes me think a lot I guess.

Here’s a playlist of songs I’ve been listening to a lot recently:

Sufjan Stevens – Mystery of Love
Lord Huron – The Night We Met
mads – and she will miss you
Ed Sheeran – Friends
Sebastian Yatra – Cristina

April 26, 2019

Books. Stories. They’re great. It’s a piece of art that can make the readers imagine a world, get attached to characters and feel different types of emotions with these characters, and once you’ve finished it, you either feel empty in the end or you learn something precious about the book. Or maybe both? but yeah books are fucking great.
My favourite books are ‘coming of age’ stories, where characters learn who they truly are and which path in life they wanna take. I have no idea why I like it but discovering one’s self is my favourite type, probably because it’s relevant to me at the moment since I’m still only 17(turning 18 this year) and I’m still trying to figure out who I am. Maybe my taste will change after a decade or so, but for now, I love youthful stories that make me feel so glad that I’m still so young where I’m still so free and not have to worry about any responsibilities.
I also love romance. It’s like I existed in this world just to watch and read romance content because it’s just that awesome. I don’t like shallow romance stories though since it just mainly focuses more on the physical attributes(such as sex) on a person rather than their personality and the colour of their soul. I like love where there is full of commitment, where even though the ‘puppy love’ wanes there will still be loyalty and love in the end, but this time it’s a different type of love. I would like to call this term ‘mature love’.
Love these days are so overrated even though they’re not even supposed to be called love, they’re more likely to be called infatuation. Teens these days confuse love with infatuation and is pretty sad. In fact, some of my friends would say they look for a person to fill this imaginary hole in their hearts and that their partner would be their source of happiness, and I honestly find that very wrong in a lot of ways. Imagine you being full of happiness because of this person, you feel fucking great of course because this person is your world, but what if this person breaks up and leaves you? what then? Do you find a rebound to toy with for a while to ease the pain and fill that hole in your heart temporarily? or do you just break down, forget the memories you had with this person and look for another partner as your source of happiness again? Both of these paths are wrong. Be your own source of happiness so you can fill that hole in your heart yourself because you don’t know when a person will leave you behind or not, you are in control of your own life. At least if you take charge of your own happiness then you won’t need to depend on other people anymore because you can’t leave yourself. Better safe than sorry. I’m actually trying to do that right now and I’ve been feeling great lately.
I’ve been learning to love myself and appreciate the people and things around me and I’ve never felt happier. I’m trying to be a lot more independent and I think it’s working.

The Beginning of Being 17

I’ve always been dreaming of being 17 back in the day, how different I would look and how much I would change, and now here I am.

I pretty much expected myself to be ripped or something however that didn’t work out hahaha I’m still working on that though uwu. And as for how I would look, I am completely fine and happy with how I look, sure I got some pimples here and there right now but I know I’m beautiful and deserve love <3. I’ve learned a lot as a 16-year-old, all the pain, the crying and the happiness I’ve felt throughout the whole year, and yet here I am still alive, I know what I’m capable of and I know I can get through tough situations at certain points of my life and come back stronger and wiser. I am fully ready to receive blessings, to be able to love men without fear, to be able to help people as much as I can and help them when they are struggling, and lessons to learn in the future to become a strong person and be able to help people as much as I can.

Here’s to a year of turning 17.

 

For You My Dear

That smile you gave me filled with sorrow,
as you lent your heart for me to borrow.

Sleeping like a child, falling in love with every breath,
as you wake every day, filled with dark regrets.

I want to bear all the sadness and all the pain,
to lift the weight off your chest.
Because for you, my dear, I’d sacrifice myself and go insane.

 

A Coincidence?

Do you believe in coincidences?

For the past month, I went through a mini-stroke and I’ve been recovering ever since, and I can confidently say that I’m okay now. Although, the past month I had graduation and let’s just say I couldn’t attend it. I’ve also haven’t done my exams yet, might do it in October or something. I kind of feel sad that I couldn’t graduate with my friends, it would’ve been a good memory that I could’ve cherished, but when I had a stroke before the night of my graduation, is it just a coincidence?. I believe that things happen for a reason and that coincidences aren’t real, so if it isn’t just a coincidence what path will be in store for me now?. Maybe something is in store for me in the future where I could truly feel happiness, just like how I would’ve felt when I graduated, or maybe there’s someone I can meet that would make me feel happy? I’m not truly sure what happens next in my life, which is expected, because life is so unpredictable. You think of different scenarios of what would happen, but a completely different unexpected scenario occurs, and it would change your fate for better or for worse.

Short Drizzles

To the boy, I used to love

It’s been a while where we decided to end things between us, now we’re just back to being friends again, and I accept it, I’m almost okay about it but I haven’t finished moving on yet. We accepted our mistakes, what went wrong, and accepted our insecurities, and I’m grateful for that, thank you for still caring for me. You still pop in my mind from time to time, and my heart aches from time to time, but it’s different now. Before my cries were like a very violent rain, the sky was dark and the raging thunder roared in the distance, now the sky is slowly becoming bright and the pouring rain became drizzles, it feels comforting actually. I’m starting to be happy again. I finally left our house that we once created, it felt lonely being the only one there but I’m glad that our relationship is still in good care.

How’s your new lover? I hope she gives you a lot of happiness and love that you deserve, something that I couldn’t give you back then. I completely support you guys because I know you’re happy. Good luck to you two okay? I hope things end well for both of you. Right now, I’m just glad that I accepted the circumstances and had the strength to let you go, I’m just proud of myself that I made such a mature decision. I’m still learning from my mistakes, and I hope I don’t make the same mistake in the future like what happened between us.