So there I was in a bedroom filled with 20 other people I don’t even know, and my 2 friends left me to talk to other people so I had to fend for myself. I felt uncomfortable and so out of place. The self-hatred years ago started to seep back in. It feels like people are taking pity on me and I hate it.
Friday, June 21:
It was my friend’s birthday party today and she invited me to celebrate with her, let’s call her Elizabeth. She’s from a different school so of course, a different school, meaning I’m going to see lots of unfamiliar faces since I don’t know anyone from that school except for my other friend (let’s call her Krisha). Was I ready for it? Was I ready to meet 20 people I don’t really know about at the party? The answer is no. You see, I was quite busy trying to polish up and trying to look good because if I’m meeting new people, I have to look decent enough because first impressions matter to me. So I got all readied up, looking a bit formal because that’s what she told me. but plot twist, when I went to the hotel apartment where the party is held, the people were wearing casual outfits wtf. So I was at the party feeling out of place because I really don’t know anyone there except 2 people and the fact that I was wearing semi-formal attire, good start right?
At some point, everyone was told to go to the bedroom to play some games. So there I was, in a bedroom filled with 20 people I don’t even know about, my friends left me that time to talk to other people so I had to fend for myself. So we played some games and I literally didn’t talk to anyone, it felt so awkward until the dare game started? Yeah, I didn’t like the sound of that either because someone’s forehead got drawn on. If someone were to do that to me I would slap them or something I don’t care we just met I don’t want to feel like we’re close or something because we’re not. So basically I was in a room with a lot of people feeling huge discomfort, pity for myself and ready to smack someone if they do something to me because of some dare. What’s my solution? Get the fuck out of that room lol. I went back to the quiet living room where I can finally breathe because I was low-key drowning in that room, the feeling when I was in that room brought back bad memories and self-hatred.
When I was in elementary school, which was actually one of the lowest points of my life, I was a quiet child, a really quiet one to the point that I got a badge for being the quietest person in the class, and my parents scolded me for it. They told me I shouldn’t be quiet because it’s not going to do any good in life, they would scream at me and I would cry, and I felt pity for myself. Being quiet can also harm you since it can attract bullies because the quiet ones always get bullied. I would get spit on my hair, my bag ruined, things stolen, I’d be forced to do homework, etc. I felt so hopeless and worthless like I don’t fit in and that’s where my self-hatred journey began. My parents hated me for being quiet, so when someone calls me quiet I think of it negatively because I was conditioned to think of it as an insult which leads me to pity myself which I don’t like. If someone tells me I’m quiet I would think that they take pity on me because they think I’m lonely leading me to think that they’re looking down on me idk. So I compared my past with this party and it’s quite similar; I don’t belong here. I was ready to get up and leave the hotel room when they were still in the bedroom but I just couldn’t leave like that.
After elementary school, where I’m able to finally hang out with my friends outside of school, I still would feel uncomfortable hanging with them because it felt like uncharted territory, like I felt unsafe being in this environment, being out of the school grounds and whatnot, but as years go by I would feel less and less uncomfortable until I don’t feel any discomfort left, until this party happened, the discomfort came back and my mood went -1000 real quick.
As time went by, they finally got out of the bedroom, we played some games such as cards and Jenga and they were nice enough to let me play, though what kind of ticked me off was I went to this party because Elizabeth was here (keep in mind we’ve known each other for years but we’ve never really seen each other in real life) so I went there for her but we barely talked so I was a bit salty. She didn’t even introduce me to her friends. Her friends just looked at me, ignored me, or talked to me for a bit except for this one person, let’s call her Tina and omg she was so great, we have lots of similarities and I gladly made a friend at this party which made me happy. I was even glad that I got to open up and talk to Elizabeth’s friends for a bit so I’ll take that as an achievement for changing over the past years. I’m okay with going to a party or a hang out where I know most of the people but don’t know some of them, like that feels okay, I have lots of friends I can back up on where I’d feel safe, but if most of the people at the party I don’t know and my friends leave me behind, then good luck to me. This party felt like uncharted territory and I don’t even know if I would ever get used to it, maybe or maybe not, we’ll see.
Being quiet is not bad nor is it good. It can be an advantage to a certain type of situation but it can also be a disadvantage to another type of situation. It’s a grey area.
Peaceful.isolation 