August 23, 2019 – Insecurity

My university will finally start on September 3 and I’m kind of nervous about getting back into the learning environment which I haven’t been in for about a year and 2 months I guess; I can already feel the stress that’s about to come. Other than the inevitable stress that’s about to come my way, I’m also excited about meeting new people in my uni; I’m desperate for new friends because most of my high school friends have left this country (most of them will come back for vacation though so no worries) so my amount of friends here has been minimized. I did meet new people these past months and most of them were very open and welcoming and there’s this specific girl who I don’t mind dating if I ever like her, but there are times where I would feel insecure about me being not manly enough for her which makes me want to push her away; oh and she likes me by the way.

Anyways her family has very manly men and I just feel insecure that I’m quite different from other guys who are considered manly which makes me pity myself for being different. I’ve always been insecure about my manliness which I’m really lacking at, to be honest, but I’m not even sure how to work on my manliness, maybe if I just try to be myself and not try to be like every guy in the world everything will be alright and I’ll find a girl who will love me for me. Though I need to work more on being independent and being mentally strong.

Still looking for a boyfriend though if ever I don’t like her fully in the end; I haven’t stumble upon a guy who’s worthy and would like me.

April 29, 2019 – Feel

I just finished this series about two boys falling in love. It broke me in the middle, but in the end, it really warmed my heart. So now I’m here listening to a beautiful song and I’m just feeling. Just feeling. Feeling the essence of their love the series had shown. The series really showed that love isn’t all about peach and roses, but it’s also about sacrifices. Sacrificing your time. Sacrificing your sleep. Sacrificing your pride for this person. Sacrifices are needed to keep this bond called love. To love is to sacrifice. What’s love when there’s no sacrifice? Is it considered love at all? Love is to give and not expect anything back. Love is not selfish. It’s selfless. But who am I to tell you what love is? I’m just a teenager. Hopefully, I’ll understand more about love.

To feel. I love dropping all the weight off my shoulders such as my responsibilities and to just feel about things. To listen to music as I undress and expose my soul and emotions. It makes me appreciate these little moments I have with myself. I’m not sure but I love feeling a lot, it just makes me think a lot I guess.

Here’s a playlist of songs I’ve been listening to a lot recently:

Sufjan Stevens – Mystery of Love
Lord Huron – The Night We Met
mads – and she will miss you
Ed Sheeran – Friends
Sebastian Yatra – Cristina

The Beginning of Being 17

I’ve always been dreaming of being 17 back in the day, how different I would look and how much I would change, and now here I am.

I pretty much expected myself to be ripped or something however that didn’t work out hahaha I’m still working on that though uwu. And as for how I would look, I am completely fine and happy with how I look, sure I got some pimples here and there right now but I know I’m beautiful and deserve love <3. I’ve learned a lot as a 16-year-old, all the pain, the crying and the happiness I’ve felt throughout the whole year, and yet here I am still alive, I know what I’m capable of and I know I can get through tough situations at certain points of my life and come back stronger and wiser. I am fully ready to receive blessings, to be able to love men without fear, to be able to help people as much as I can and help them when they are struggling, and lessons to learn in the future to become a strong person and be able to help people as much as I can.

Here’s to a year of turning 17.

 

Infatuation.

“The Universe answers my wishes in fucked up and unexpected ways.”

Hi this was a post that I made a year ago and it was stored in my draft for a year sadly, so this was the time when I became infatuated with this guy, enjoy.

What did I wish exactly? well due to not remembering what it feels to fall for someone, to think about someone every time that you just can’t get that person off your head etc. so yes, I did wish to experience that feeling again, I should’ve clarified it more because I fell again…for a guy. It’s probably just a short term infatuation just like what happened at Comic con last year so i’ll probably get over it, hopefully.

3/22/2017

It was yet another funfair at my previous school which I was very excited about. The joy of kids running around and the fashionable outfits of teens (girls) walking like models, well they’re pretty average lol but whatever. The heat of the sun made me sweat while waiting for my friends to come. I was probably one of the first people in my group of friends that has reached the school, but after some time one of my friend (let’s call him Gabe) came and told me that we should check the classes for fun, so we did. Everything from the classes, hallways, to the toilets in the school made me nostalgic, although it reminded me how small the school is compared to my present school, but it’s still great. As we were walking through the hallway with a stampede of kids running around here and there and others having a conversation in the middle of the hallway, Gabe saw one of his friend (I know this person too but we’re not really close, anyways let’s call him Jovo) in the hallway and they started talking,  there was also another dude beside him and they were all starting to catch up while I just stand behind Gabe awkwardly waiting for him, until his friends noticed me, me and Jovo shook hands and I was glad he remembers me and then his handsome friend who really looks familiar also came up to me and shook my hand, made my heart beat a bit faster lol, he then asked me “Do you play basketball?” I said “yeah” with an unsure sound because I suck at basketball, I can’t even do a crossover. So then after that question he asked me other questions, then I remembered who he looked like so I asked him if he’s somehow this dude I know and surprisingly he said yes, he has a shocked face while grinning and asked me how I knew his name, then I think that’s when it went downhill. I said that “I know you because of *insert girl name here who was his ex*” then he made like this annoyed face, scratched his head and asked “oh, her?”, I nodded and then he left all of the sudden, I think he might be pissed or something or he was just going to catch up to his friends who were leaving him behind…or both, yeah I think I screwed up. After some time in the school our group passes by him and his friends from time to time and I keep glancing at him , can’t help it lol. Well at least now I know how it feels to like someone again, but I really can’t flirt with this person because he’s a guy so hahaha end my life. He seems like a really straight person I think because he looks like a bro, plus he hangs out with athletic people who I consider them as straight I guess. Yeah so, I kinda wished he was somehow Bisexual but I know that wouldn’t happen, but after some 3 hours I just found out his ex was bisexual….Universe wrong person *cough*. I still keep recalling and replaying my first encounter with him which I screwed up back at the school, hope he’s not mad at me. He’s just really attractive and I can’t get him off my mind, I just want to bury my face on his chest and smell the jacket he was wearing, I want to feel his hand touched on mine again, I want to hear his voice again, I want to play with his hair, I want to gaze at his eyes again, I want to feel his lips on mine…. (never gonna happen)

Anyways, I believe that people come into your life for a purpose and there might be a reason why I encountered him or maybe it’s just the universe granting my wish how it feels like to fall for someone gain or maybe there’s more.

Thoughts and Melodies

A sweet piano playing in the background

Plunging me deep into my thoughts with its beautiful sound,

The lovely melodies it composes makes my heart vulnerable,

Covering me like a blanket to soothe me and tell my memories that I find memorable.

As I began to open up I realise my mistakes and scars that I’ve left to people,

Oh how sorry I am that I did this to you but my apology will not reach you

Because the scars that I left will always be with you.

Flashbacks starts to unravel,

A beautiful rose on a field under the shining moon

Waiting for someone to pick me up soon

But little did you know that this rose had sharp thorns

Now you’re bleeding and I’m finding my next victim,

I just want to love someone where I don’t hurt them.

I truly am sorry but it’s too late to say it,

And now my inner demons won’t let me go,

Stuck in my room forced to feel guilty until I can’t forgive myself,

Because your sky that I visited will never have a rainbow,

Just dark clouds and rain,

Isn’t it strange that I love this pain?

From now on I will learn from my mistakes that I made from the past

And treat someone good in the future so our relationship will last,

Forever.

I was scared of the hardships of being with someone,

but if you’re worth it then I wouldn’t mind it,

Because these hardships will make our bonds stronger so we’ll grasp ourselves tightly and never let go

So we won’t become hollow.

I promise to make you laugh when you’re down,

To listen to you when you’re down

I will do it all for you because I love you,

And I want to see you in that wedding gown,

Unless you’re a guy,

Which I don’t mind.

As the piano plays its last note

It pulls me back from my deep thoughts

With the knowledge that I brought with me from my thoughts.

Now I’m back in reality,

Please excuse me while I go make myself some black tea.

The Blessing and Curse of Being Bisexual

If you guys haven’t already known yet, I’m bisexual…and it’s probably one of the earlier posts I’ve confessed about in this online journal, it was like around the time when I started this blog which was around a year ago. I will be straight up honest right now, I love being bisexual! it gives me of a more open mind and how I can appreciate the beauty of both genders, it’s really a blessing, however, it can turn out to be a curse. Surprisingly these past months I’ve been more curious about being in a relationship with a guy (I’ve been reading too much yaoi apparently lol), I have always dismissed about being in a relationship with a guy to the point where I rejected a guy that I fell in love with. I guess I have this state of mind is because I’ve been raised by a religious family and you guys very well know that it is forbidden to be in love with the same sex, I was fine with this at first because I’ve always planned to be married to a woman and having kids and I still do, but as of now I’m quite unsure about it, and it terrifies me. My family will not accept me if I’m in a relationship with a guy, and the fact that being in a straight relationship is more socially accepted, so I’m pressured to be in a relationship with a girl and not explore what it’s like to be with a guy. However, I can secretly be in a relationship with a guy but I can’t commit to it fully because I’m still expected to be in a relationship with a girl in the end where we’ll start a family, so when the time comes I might have to dump the guy and be with a girl, but what if I can’t let go of the guy? what if I’m so in love with this guy that I can’t just let him slip away? It’s just not fair, I can’t just do that to someone I love.